Over 30 years ago, I appraised a house in South San Jose. When the owner opened the front door, I reeled back as if I had stuck my nose in an ammonia bottle. Inside were five Besenji dogs, and feces were everywhere. The dogs had chewed the corners off the walls and parts of the doors. The owner’s sheets looked like waxed paper. The owner’s son was cleaning while I was there and I saw him run over poop with the vacuum. The pool water looked like pea soup. Last year I was chatting with Dale, a fellow member of the church parking-lot team, and I asked him where he lived. It turned out to be that same house I had appraised, now 30 years later. The man had died and the house had gone into foreclosure, and Dale had purchased it at a very good price. We exchanged stories, it turns out the house had been under the same ownership for an additional 20 years after I appraised it. Dale was telling me that a recurring stain kept appearing on the family-room ceiling. He would prime and paint, and a few days later the stain would return. Dale thought a pipe was leaking, so he tore up the subfloor in the second-floor bathroom. Turns out the original owner’s dogs were using the floor as a toilet and their urine had soaked through the subfloor and all the way through a floor joist. When I asked Dale about the pea-soup pool, he said when he drained it, he found a refrigerator at the bottom.
The Refrigerator Wasn’t in the Kitchen
Cue Banjo Music
I think my scariest job was in a very remote area that was accessible only by a one-lane dirt road. I felt like I was in “Deliverance” land and kept looking for someone to come out of the bushes in overalls and missing teeth. To top it off, the road ended up being blocked by a large tree before I could get to the site. I had to back out approximately four miles with a drop-off on one side and a hill on the other.
Vacant Lot…Not So Vacant
The only time I’ve ever considered carrying a gun is when I did vacant land appraisals in Northwest Wisconsin. I was walking through 40 acres of woods when I spotted a dark blob about a hundred yards in front of me. It didn’t take long for me to realize it was a black bear. I didn’t linger long enough to see if it spotted me before I began sprinting back to my car. Luckily I wasn’t too far from the road. Pretty sure I left smoking rubber behind me as I peeled out. I’ve had a few friends chased by bears there, and I was not about to find out what that feels like.
The More, the Smellier
Awhile back, I did a walk-through for a rural home located in the mountains. When I walked into the property, I had to cover my mouth with my clipboard and pretend I was yawning to hide my gagging. The smell was unlike anything I’ve ever encountered before. Over the years, they’d taken in quite a few feral cats. And by a few I mean at least a dozen. To accommodate for the number of felines that came and went from the property, they’d built a litter-box the size of a horse trough. I measured it, it was exactly six feet long, and it looked as if it hadn’t been cleaned out in months. Cat feces peppered the floor throughout the entire house. I had to watch my step the entire time I was there. The owners behaved as if nothing was abnormal about their living situation. I left that place as fast as I could and retched behind my car.
Dog Days of Appraising
I’ve been bitten by dogs twice while appraising homes. One of them was a Labrador. It looked friendly until it trotted over and chomped on my leg. It filled my boot with blood and ruined my pants. The owner covered my trip to the ER, I think she was afraid I’d undervalue her house in retaliation. The other dog was so old, all he could do was hang on to my ankle while I dragged him around the property. The owner told me to kick him off, but he was so old, small and toothless I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
A Holy Valuation
I was doing an REO vacant row home in the city. The flooring was suspect and the whole place was a littered mess. Walking towards the rear door, I stepped on a large piece of wall paneling when suddenly it gave way and I fell through a hole in the floor. Luckily, I caught the floor with my arms and I was able to pull myself up. Someone was squatting in the place and deliberately made a trap by removing old flooring and using the paneling to hide it. Be careful what you walk on!